Being apart of a blended family can be very challenging at times. It’s definitely not for everyone it takes guile, tact, and manipulation. As a child I was apart of multiple blended families simultaneously. As my parents divorced at a young age. Unfortunately, that did not prepare me in the slightest for my current blended family in adulthood. With that being said, my stepson is a great kid in his own right he has different diagnoses for a variety of different issues. He sees a myriad amount of specialists that would rival an episode of The West Wing. He sees a specialist for speech, psychotherapy and a ABA. One of his diagnoses is ASD along with depression and a deficiency in retaining information from short term memory.
Even though I have had my ups and downs with my stepson I wouldn’t trade a second of it for the world. He has taught me patience, empathy and having respect for others. He has motivated me to think outside the box. Before I met him I was a complete asshole. He has definitely helped me be a more compassionate person.
When I got together with my wife my stepson was 5 years old. When I first met him he seemed very hyper and impatient. Soon after meeting him he was diagnosed with ADHD. He took several different medications until he found the right one. He would get nauseous and at times very robotic when he was on the right dosage. During his teenage years I noticed his aggression spiked and he became a lot more depressed. His weight would fluctuate dramatically almost like clockwork. He became a lot more withdrawn and seemed like a whole different person from the bubbly child I first met. During break from school he would love to just be isolated from everyone in the house. His favorite activities are playing on his Nintendo switch and watching tv all day. Whenever I try to do something with him to get him out of the house 9 chances out of 10 he will say no. On another note, he forgets basic things all the time that most people take for granted. For instance he has to be reminded everyday to take a shower and put on deodorant. Also his assigned everyday chores that he does on a daily basis.
When he was younger I would always get frustrated. I felt like I was living the movie groundhog day. Due to his diagnoses till this day it is very hard to get him to fulfill his responsibilities. Doing homework with him is definitely a chore and a half. He is 15 but he has the mentality of a 7 year old. He engages in escape behaviors when he does a task he doesn’t like. So do a lot of children but the lengths he goes to get out of a boring task is beyond belief. He isn’t shy about pretending he has to go to the bathroom or that he is upset about something harmless you said. Speaking of which, when he feels you slighted him he will embellish the whole interaction to the point of hyperbole.
Recently my step son went to his school and lied to his teachers that I beat him. Although he eventually confessed that he was lying the teachers of the school decided to report it to DCF. Luckily due to the confession the investigation was quickly dropped. Here is the kicker, do you want to know why he lied? Because he got in trouble for threatening to beat up another student and wanted to blame his beatings at home for his aggressive behavior. I wish I could say that this was an isolated incident but it wasn’t. When my stepson was 4 he had an issue with his equilibrium which caused him to fall to the floor constantly. As the story goes one time while he was at the beach he fell really badly and bruised his face. His mom took him to a urgent care and the rest is history. When questioned by the nurse on duty he lied and said that his mom caused his bruises.
A representative of DCF for a period of 6 months would visit the house until the case was dropped because they couldn’t find any evidence of abuse. Years later my stepson on different occasions told people his mom didn’t feed him. His reasoning was twofold. One to fulfill his gluttony and to play the victim. Nothing pleases my stepson more than getting a sympathetic ear. There was a time he told me a paraprofessional was creepy in a sexual way that made him feel uncomfortable. I was prepared to do everything in my power to protect my stepson. Right before I was going to the school to address the situation his ABA called me and told me that my stepson was lying. He almost ruined the livelihood of the paraprofessional because he was upset he told him not to disrupt class. Many of the instances of crying wolf can be attributed to misinterpretation.
Since my stepson is on the spectrum he has had many instances of misinterpreting situations and things people tell him. He takes most of what people say too literal making it very difficult to joke and play around with him. Moreover the closer he feels to you the more he will take what you say literally. For instance, one time I jokingly said that he had a questionable taste in movies because he didn’t share my love for Die Hard or Training Day. He took it as I didn’t like him as a person. I do admit that over the years I have joked around way too much and that has led to some animosity toward me to build up. The worst part is that no matter how much I try to make up for my past mistakes he always makes it a point to rub it in.
My stepson would bring up randomly things I did days, months or even years ago. I always have to remind myself not to take him too seriously and make sure our relationship is a positive one. In order for this to happen I developed certain strategies that gives him the sense of getting close to me while I remain unscathed.
My stepson loves and I mean absolutely loves anime. I’m completely out of the loop when it comes to anime knowledge. So when my stepson comes to tell me about a episode of an anime he really likes I nod and I pretend to be on the same page. He never really questions my knowledge he is just happy to have someone listen to him about his interests.
When it comes to eating out and enjoying delicious food my stepson and I really connect. Nothing brings us together like having lunch or dinner together. Basically, whenever you have disagreements with someone always try to find a common ground. I know I like to milk this strategy especially when I upset him. This strategy is very effective in preventing my wife from finding out and me being in the doghouse.
When you catch my stepson in a lie never ever rub it in his face. Instead stroke his ego by making sure he knows you still have a favorable opinion of him even though he did something wrong. If you dwell on what he did wrong he will feel like you are against him. As you might’ve guessed if he feels you are against him he will try to get you in trouble.
Conclusion
Through my stepson’s struggles I have learned to look inward at my own issues. Recently I was diagnosed with ADHD, depression and anxiety. I’m currently on different medications. Through therapy and medication I have become a better stepfather. My goal is for us to learn from each other and to build a judgment free bond. With that being said, I have also learned to consider my stepson’s feelings even when he did something wrong. It is important to know why there was wrong doing and what can you do to help him. It is definitely an ever evolving learning experience and I’m glad it is with my stepson.
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